I was so nervous; my heart was beating like I had just finished a race and my hands were shaking like I would have just stepped out from the refrigerator.
In this video, I’m going to share an experience which made me realize I’m still very far from the ultimate freedom I’m seeking.
You can read the script in case you cannot watch the video. The text is below the video.
Hey, hey, welcome to Journey to Freedom’s “Life Unfiltered” series. My name is Armin and I’m inspiring people by sharing my own journey of becoming the best possible version of myself and creating the life I have been dreaming of.
In “Life Unfiltered” series I’m sharing my own journey in its unpolished form, with all of its ups and downs and achievements and failures.
My biggest fear!
It’s a little over 4 years since I started to walk on this path. Despite that I have gone such a long way already, I just realized I have even longer way to go.
2 years ago, I wrote a post on my blog: “The biggest change during my personal development journey” where I shared how I have started to tackle my biggest fear and problem. Which is also one of the biggest problems in today’s world and that is: what others think of me.
I wasn’t even aware that I had this kind of problem and people who knew me back then were completely surprised that I had such fear because for them I looked like someone who completely does not give a fuck what others think.
But after I started my so-called journey, I realized I made all those crazy things only to get attention from my friends. Outside of my friends’ circle where there were no friends with me, I was completely shy and didn’t want to get any unnecessary attention from strangers.
After this realization, I started to face my fears and put myself on harm’s way intentionally so I could become stronger than my fear of what people think of me.
I was completely wrong
I have seen a big leap with this challenge and I thought I can already handle this fear pretty well, but oh man, I have been mistaken big time. My Ego got me by surprise.
We had an event in Tallinn about one project and I also attended that event. In the event, I wanted to get an interview from one of the “big boys”.
During the lunchtime, I contacted the guy who was organizing the event and asked him is it OK to make an interview with the Sepco’s representative. He replied that yes, it is completely ok and let’s ask the guy if he can make it.
But as my target was having a conversation with others, we didn’t want to disturb their conversation and the guy I asked about it first, had some other things to attend so I was left alone.
I walked around the room thinking what should I do. Didn’t know if it was ok to go straight to the Sepco’s representative and ask him, is it ok to make an interview with him.
Then I saw another Estonian who was on the stage on that event earlier and asked him is it ok, he said yes but then he also had to run to do some organizing things and I was left alone again.
I was paralyzed
I was already getting ready that I cannot make this interview but as I have promised to many that I will make the interview if it’s possible or at least make some kind of overview of the event. But I had nothing.
So, I stood there thinking: “Fuck! What should I do? Go and talk straight to my target. But what if this is not polite that just some random guy who is almost nobody in the grand scale is approaching such an important figure.”
I know that I cannot think of myself as “nobody” as this will kill the possibility for me to become somebody. But this is a topic of another video.
So, there I was standing: “Am I failing my mission, I haven’t shot any videos to make an overview and now I’m missing my chance for the interview too.
My ego was just holding me back and filling my mind with fears – what could happen if my approach won’t go as planned and I will get rejected.
“Now Or Never!”
But then my target walked into the room and stood just a few meters away from me. “Now or never!”, was my thought. “Do you want to become a successful YouTuber or you want to stay where you are?”
So, I punched myself to the chest (in my head of course) and walked to my target: “Hey, can I have few words with you?”
We exchanged some formalities and then I asked is it ok if we can make a video interview after the event. And he agreed without any problem.
So, my fears were completely in vain.
My Ego Got So Strong Hold On Me
After the event, I had all my questions ready. I had written everything to my little notebook. I was sitting there behind the table and rehearsing my lines. And oh man, the more I sit there, the more nervous I started to become. I have never done such a thing and I was starting to be afraid can I get my lines correct and can I spell everything correctly.
The more I thought about it, the more my heart started to beat and my hands started to shake. I tried to calm myself by taking a couple of deep inhales because usually, it will help to get out of your mind if you concentrate fully on your breathing.
But as there were people around me and I didn’t want to show that I’m nervous and I need to calm myself with breathing, I stopped the breathing and tried to wriggle myself out from this anxiety with thinking: “It’s not a big thing, just do what you do and it doesn’t matter how it will go. Just enjoy yourself.” But my ego didn’t let me go from its iron grip.
So, at the time of starting the interview, I was already so nervous. My heart was beating like I had just finished a race and my hands were shaking like I would have just stepped out from the refrigerator.
And the notebook that I held in my hand, was amplifying the shaking of my hands so this made this experience even worse. “Man take it together, you can do this!” was the thought in my head. Then I found that if I lean my elbows on armrests my notebook stopped shaking. “Oh create, at least this problem is gone” 🙂
How To Be, Where To Look?
Then the interview started. And my ego didn’t let go even then. I was constantly repeating the lines of the next question so I wouldn’t mess up. So, I didn’t put much attention to what my conversation partner was actually talking about.
I was also feeling very unpleasant about where I should look. How it will look on the video etc. And looking into the eyes of my target while he was answering my questions wasn’t pleasant at all. Then I remembered one tip, look at the nose of the person you are looking at. This way for them it seems that you are looking them into their eyes, but you get rid of the unpleasant feeling of the eye contact.
Finally, the interview was done and I was still alive. I had some difficulties in finding correct words but nothing unbearable.
Such A Long Way To Go Still
This little experience was a wake-up call for me. In the face of the unknown, my Ego is rising his head and paralyzes my actions almost completely. So, I realized I have a lot of work to do still and the journey to the ultimate freedom is just at its beginning.
So, this was the experience I wanted to share with you. We may think that nothing can bother us and we are invincible but in reality, when we face ego’s biggest fear, the unknown, we lose all our courage and become just a toy for our Ego.
As this video is already long enough, I will end it here.
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Take care, peace and much love to you all,
Peace and much love to you all!