I Hate You! I Hate You!

This post is little bit different than my usual posts. We all wear masks in this life and others never know what is really happening under the mask. The best example would be so called “Facebook Happiness” where people are posting beautiful pictures of places which they visit, pictures of nice things they have and pictures of happy relationships. In all those pictures they have big smiles on their faces. But this is just the mask. What is really going on in their life, only mask wearers know. And in some cases even people themselves don’t know that they are wearing masks.

One extreme case that I have heard of is following. Family is broken, wife and husband cannot get along at all but every year (don’t remember is it Christmas or something else) they come together to make a picture and post it to Facebook. Friends who see those pictures will say: “Look how happy they are”. If only they would know what is going on behind the scene.
And this is how most people are living, they show only their good days and to the outside world they seem very happy but inside…inside the might feel completely opposite.

Why I´m telling about it? We all want to show our good side and keep our darkest emotions and feelings only to ourselves. So am I. I usually create only positive posts with a smile on my face so people could see how happy life I´m living, but yesterday something happened. Feelings and emotions which I have suppressed for quite a while boiled to the surface suddenly.

What happened?

There is this event called “7 Day Blessing Meditation” held every day for one whole week where Tibetan monks are doing a blessing meditation and people around the world can participate in it. So am I.

Yesterday the topic of meditation was Heart Sutra, and it was about “opening your heart”. I have to say I had quite interesting experience with it. And here is the experience itself.

Don’t remember exactly what was the trigger but I believe it was when Master Chunyi Lin was guiding us through the meditation and there was a part where we should send the blessings and love to our family and relatives. When I started to do that, some thoughts started to rise up which brought up negative feelings and emotions. The thought process was something like this.

Giving blessing to others? hmm, why it feels weird and why it is a little hard to do that? It’s always about me, I want this and I want that I want others do things to me. I´m always putting Myself first on everything. No matter what I do or say, it is always somehow related to my well being. Even if I have the desire to do good to people, when I’m starting to do it, it doesn’t feel natural to me and I have to like force it. Plus always it has to relate with my well being. It has to make me feel good or I have to get some benefit out of it.

And often times this is the same with my kids. If they ask me to play some games with them which looks silly to me or where I´m not getting emotional satisfaction I´m letting them down. And even if we play some things together I’m still doing my own shit so I would feel happy. What kind of father am I who cannot even drop my own self agenda when dealing with my own kids? Why cannot I just share unconditional love with my kids? Why I have to force myself to play with my kids? Why it doesn’t come naturally?”

During those questions tears started to pour out and feelings of hate, disappointment and disgust rose up towards myself.

I have an inner desire to make the world a better place but why action taking doesn’t feel natural, why I have to force myself into action? What is wrong with me? Will my character never change even if I walk on spiritual path? Will those treats stay with me even if I reach higher levels?

I hate you! I hate you! , where my next words to myself which brought even more tears into my eyes.

After little “hate talk” I suddenly realized something. I have never loved anyone. NEVER! All those “loving” feelings and felling in love was just an Ego need. Other person had something which my Ego wanted and there was nothing about real love. As long as the Ego need was satisfied I was thinking only about myself. And whenever there was a sign of Ego losing something from that person it pushed me into action immediately. Then I would do anything to not lose that “thing”. That is why all my relationships didn’t work out. I did “my part” only when I felt insecure that I might lose that person.

Why it is that way, why I have such a personality?” Do I have the power to change something? etc”

This kind of thought process continued but I started to feel calmer and calmer until I stopped crying and felt relaxed and released.

So what if I am like that. I’m accepting myself as I am and doing everything in my power to become a better human being with every single day”

I realized I had to let it out. It has been building up in me for too long. At least for last 2 years I have never let negative thoughts affect me emotionally. I know that they are just thoughts and they have no real power. But looks like I have suppressed those thoughts and they have been piling up in me. Until now during this meditation everything boiled to the surface. It was needed to let it all out. I felt the release afterwards. So I have to be grateful for that.

Lesson to learn

What is the lesson to learn here? Humans are emotional beings. If we start to feel certain emotions we cannot ignore and suppress them. It doesn’t work in the long run. More we hold in ourselves, more they will pile up and someday it will explode. You don’t have to play macho or a tough guy. Don’t hide behind the mask, be authentic, be human. Let it all flow through without resisting but at the same time we have to be mindful and aware of those emotions and feelings.
Like with wires, if the resistance is too big, wire will burn out. We have to be like super conductors 🙂

I have known it before but it is hard, especially when there are others involved. If you let your emotions out you will hurt others and have to deal with the consequences. The line between controlling and letting all out is very thin. But I believe the right balance will come with a practice.

So that’s my today’s story. No matter how the surface will look it will never tell you what is really inside. We all have our bad days and inner demons which we have to face. But everything is a process and there are always lessons to learn.

Thank you for being with me and sacrificing your time to read my story.

Piece and Love to you all 😀

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